Long time coming

I had been exploding blog-iness lately, but alas, the demands of life have been too much for me to do the things that are important to me.

It is interesting, how often I relegate my needs- or things that are truly important to me- to a lower caste of priorities. I place social obligations, activities to which I have committed myself, or even just tasks, like cleaning or decorating, above things that my soul longs for.

I am starting to suspect that I actually disallow myself those things that I really need because I often scold myself later for not being more “productive” or for “using my time unwisely.” This self-chastising usually arises as a reaction to something inconvienent that seems preventable: If only I hadn’t spent that hour playing piano, I would have had more time to plan for my day and wouldn’t have forgotten my phone; If only I hadn’t wasted my time journaling- that is why I don’t get more research done, because I don’t use my down-time effectively; and it goes on and on.

Where is this voice coming from? This responsible, spectacle-wearing, Oliver Cromwell-type schoolmarm who wants me to be more sensible exists somewhere within my psyche, letting me know that everything that goes wrong in my life is a direct result of my irresponsibility- an irresponsibility that is fostered by “poor time-management.”

While there is a grain of truth in that, why is it that I have taken that and ran with it, to the point where I avoid doing things that I enjoy? And when I finally give in and indulge, it is not always at the most opportune time; yet, at that point I feel owed. . . and then I terribly regret my indulgence within about an hour.

I believe that inner-schoolmarm is an anthropomorphism of a sense of undeserving. I do not deserve to be “idle.” Only after everything is done (which never, ever happens) can one do enjoyable activities. I don’t always heed her advice, but she manages to make me sufficiently guilty regardless, so that I begin to spend even my free-time trying to fill my life with things that will give me a sense of faux-accomplishment (re-organizing my kitchen again, etc.) so that if something comes up, at least I know that I wasn’t idle so I can’t blame myself. I am making excusess to her, as she glowers over me with an arched eyebrow and a tightly-drawn mouth.

Maybe I need to be honest with myself about what I truly need instead of setting up expectations of what my day should look like, hour-by-hour. If I don’t run today, ok. Maybe I needed to shuffle around the house this morning. If I don’t return all of my emails, so be it. I needed to spend time unplugged, getting connected with myself and with God. My house isn’t perfect? Oh well. You don’t need to have a perfect house to live an extraordinary life.

Eventually, I will strike balance. Until then, all I can do is my best with the organizational-stuff. I can choose to listen to my soul (and to God’s whisper) and ignore the irrational guilt. It’s been a long time coming.